Monday, April 16, 2012

Please Don't Judas Me

Some people have friends and some have enemies. Some have other people who like them and some of them have followers.

Jesus had followers, twelve of them as picked by him. Thirteen of them if you count the other Judas.

Judas Iscariot was the one who betrayed Jesus by kissing him in the garden and thus identifying him to the waiting Roman soldiers. John, in his Gospel, was conspiculously disjointed in his narrative - there are only eight disciples/apostles named, of which two were known as Judas.

The money Judas received for betraying his master was only 30 pieces of silver, apparently enough to buy a slave. But, this was insufficient satisfaction - he suicided after returning the money to the Jewish priests.

Once Jesus was crucified and ressurected the disciples were a little peeved that they were one down and elected a replacement, Matthais. Eventually, all of the the disciples met unpleasant deaths; except John, who apparently died of old age.

It's possible that Judas did not take enough time to consider the risk involved in this business transaction and may have changed the course of history by necking himself. Had he taken time out to consider the risk of his gamble, he probably would have figured that a slave did not necessarily have to be someone whole fetched and washed and fed and cleaned and peeled grapes. His slave could have been a harlot who sucked and fucked and peeled his own grape.
In fact Judas was already in on the scam. In the famed fresco of the Last Supper by Leonardo da Vinci there are twelve people joining him in the meal. Judas has just spilt the salt and the dude to his right has reached behind him to make a pass at the only woman at the table. He's just about to poke his hand down her upper corsalage and feel the heaving breasts of the hooker hired for the occassion.

Unfortunately the following scene has been lost in the mists of antiquity - but I'll bet 30 pieces of silver that it involved table dancing and a very risque pole manouvere that is most certainly not listed in any of the books of the bible.

But whilst considering the fact that the pyramids were most certainly built by a team of twelve and a forklift on their roster day off at triple pay in only 40 days and nights, I have no doubt that Judas was onto something.

Let's face it, he had an alibi - another Judas and....all the other partners.

The Gospel of Mark says that Jesus sent out these twelve apostles in pairs - so, if he was so enamoured with partnerships; why didn't he invite all the partners to join him in this last dinner as well ? I suspect that maybe he was a little pissed off with their choice of partners. He would be one cool dude if he were to throw one last supper/party to let his mates partake of some supreme pussy.

And....what better opportunity would he have to invite his most generously circumcised brethen to his supreme pussy fest. Have a close look at that picture again, and picture the 'facebook' tag of the millenium.

"Hi dudes. Welcome to the el-supremo pig out death feast of the year.On my left, and, on my right, we have my closest bunch of arseholes I know that suck up to me as followers. They are nameless - until someone writes the fucking bible - but they are cool. Fellow fishermen, I welcome you to the my feast. This will be my last. And because I love you all, we are all going out with a bang. There is this hot bitch to my right who I just know will open every orifice she has to you to desposit your years of stored up sperm in the hope that just one of you will betray me."

These are indeed prophetic words for a man who will soon be wrapped in a nappy and pinned to a crucifix.

Let this be a warning to you sinners.

"You may be short in stature or fat in nature.
You may be generous in life but suscpicious in death.
You may be circumcised at birth or be the whole dog.
You may lap at the spring of hope or suck on the piss of regret.
You may, if you are lucky, taste the nectar of life.
But the chances are, that you will die".

Judas had this figured. Damn right. Money for nothing and a slave in the hold.

( There is a song - "Please Don't Judas Me" on Nazareth's album "Hair of The Dog" - last track, side 2 )

Listen to that and then try and convince me that your facebook friends really care about you.