US finds vast mineral reserves in Afghanistan.
The United States of America has found a new source of wealth, but not in the bank and not within its borders. It has been on a mission to claim the new honeypot under the guise of war.
In Kabul, Afghanistan, Government Officials sound heavily optimistic about their new found mineral wealth which, if the US has it's way, will soon end the the popular Taliban pursuit of what I will refer to as 'poppy power'.
With the intent of uncovering the facts and presenting them for public debate, the SCZITDAMN investigative journal sent their intrepid reporter, Spirukas Goblinono to the location.
Unfortunately, the brief that he had prepared became lost in translation, but we have managed to retrieve many crumpled and stained notes from the debris of his bombed apartment.
What follows is the exact transcript of his personal interpretation of interviews and articles that have appeared in the media over the last few days.
Q: The US has discovered nearly $A1.17 trillion in untapped mineral deposits?
A: I thought the US military was there to find Osama bin Laden, (remember him - a bloke with a beard, wears a sheet and celebrates his success of destroying those two tall posts in New York like almost a decade ago, by whizzing around his underground lair hooked to 3 life support machines that follow him around like shopping trolleys). Um, how come he only releases 2 videos a year and never looks any older - is it Aloa Vera?
Q: This may fundamentally alter the Afghan economy and perhaps the Afghan war?
A: Is their really a war here? Didn't the 3 superheroes, George W, Tony the Pom and Little Johnny unite to fight the axis of evil in some other desert called Iraq? They managed an amazing fireworks display and allowed pillaging of thousands of years of antiquities from the museums. But damn it, they couldn't find that pesky Osama (even though the Taliban originally offered him to Uncle Sam but their offer was declined) so they staged the destruction of a civilization as a red herring so they could sneak off elsewhere.
Q: How will it alter the economy?
A: Well, the Ministry of Commerce has calculated that if divided equally, each man woman and child would receive approximately $40,344.80. This is a good thing because everyone would be able to purchase a really good second hand Skoda, a Kalashnikov with 1000 rounds, a couple of pounds of pure poppy power and a years supply of Vodka. Unfortunately, once the Vodka's finished, the party's over so this sharing is not such a good idea. I suggest that if it takes 5 to 10 years before the country could begin to use the reserves they should probably not share it, but invest it with a reputable firm like Goldman Sachs where it can be quickly converted into a credit card system that will be shared with Afghans. Of course this means than no one gets anything because their economy will quickly follow the Zimbabwe principle and your 40 odd grand won't even buy you tyres for the Skoda before you even finish your first vodka.
Q: The deposits include huge veins of iron, copper, cobalt, gold and lithium - which seems to cover just about everything we need for manufacturing, money and power?
A: See, the US is well prepared, because the mineral wealth was found by a small team of Pentagon officials and American geologists. But this is not one of the small teams who are getting kissy cuddly with all the kids in an effort to bring harmony to the disrupted culture. Nor is it one of those small teams sneaking around looking for Osama and eradicating innocent families. No, this is one of those small teams specially organized by companies like Halliburton, Monsanto and Santos who really only have their best interests at heart and just want to screw a teat onto the bottle of your wealth and suck it dry.
Q: President Hamid Karzai and the Afghan Government have recently been briefed on the situation but they believe that the wealth may be underestimated by as much as 30%?
A: As P.T. Barnum (the great showman and salesman) put it: "there's a sucker born every minute". Well, this is how the briefing went:
"OK dudes, it's like this. We found this shit, rich shit in your land, but remember, we found it. You do not have a developed mining industry, and your national mining laws have never faced a serious challenge, (which our mates at the World Bank helped you write). You have never had a well developed heavy industry and you have virtually no history of environmental protection and the size of the deposits dwarf the size of your war ravaged economy. Now we know you wanna play ball so why don't you let us be your police, after all we've already got heaps of troops here and they're getting a little bored and wanna' go home - hey this place is an oasis, once we rebuild it with our privately contracted mercenaries".
Q: But instead of bringing peace, the newly found mineral wealth could lead the Taliban to battle more fiercely to regain control of the country?
A: Well there is already enough corruption rampant in the current government which will probably be amplified because of some very well connected oligarchs that have personal ties to the president. And endless fights could erupt between provincial and tribal leaders over mineral wealth within their districts. Jesus mate, (sorry), I mean Mohammad mate, get with the program - that's exactly all you've had for hundreds of years anyway, now's it's going to be better, (remember, the US has successfully raped El Salvador, Nicaragua, Honduras, South Africa, Grenada, Guatemala, Vietnam, Cambodia, Iran, Iraq, the Philippines, lots of other small indiscriminate countries and anyone else with their economic pants down; as well as it's own citizens for hundreds of years - why stop now)?
We have the troops here, we have the geologists here, we have the officials here, we are protecting your land for you and we have found your wealth and we want a share of it. Now, if you say no to our offer, we are taking our bat and ball and going home, and if we do, your sniveling little country will quickly revert to the poppy based economy and you'll never get your Skodas and your pathetic gross domestic product that is currently only about $18 billion will quickly shrink until your profits will fit comfortably in a camels ball bag.
Q: The Pentagon Task force has already started trying to help the Afghans set up a system to deal with mineral development.
A: We have taken the liberty of hiring international accounting firms that have expertise in Mining Contracts (our people of course) and technical data that is being prepared will be handed over to multinational mining companies and potential foreign investors. Of course we took this liberty because we just don't feel that that your peasant desert culture is organized enough to make wise decisions regarding our personal vested interests in your country.
Q: The Pentagon is helping Afghan officials arrange to start seeking bids on mineral rights by the next US Autumn.
A: No, I'm sorry, that is definitely a misprint. You do not understand the situation. You should be prepared to be raped. Your pants are down and we have emptied your wallet and you certainly aren't wearing protection! We led you to believe Osama is in your country hiding in a cave. Wrong! We unplugged his dialysis machine years ago, he's a vegetable on wheels, sorta' looks like a turnip - he ain't playing Mr. Potato Head no more.
P.S: Our editor has confirmed the last question is in fact a misprint.
The Pentagon actually is helping Afghan officials arrange to start seeking bribes (not bids) on mineral rights by the next US Autumn.