Sunday, April 26, 2015

The MK Beer Diet

Forget the Ahhhhh Bra, forget Bambillo. Hold your chest up high and sleep well at night - welcome into your life the MK BEER DIET.

Step 1 - Wake in the morning with your head feeling like a rock and look in your wallet or purse.
Step 2 - Assume that the amount of cash missing is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed.
Step 3 - Closely inspect car for parking tickets, incurred driving damage and volume of CD player.
Step 4 - Remind self that you will never ever drink like that again.
Step 5 - Remain in bed carefully inspecting the blackspots of the night before.
Step 6 - Decide to have no breakfast due to rolling stomach.
Step 7 - Pass on lunch because your belly has become a muffin top.
Step 8 - At 3 o'clock in the afternoon resolve that you are not an alcoholic and inspect remaining contents of wallet.
Step 9 - Walk dog being careful to avoid a detour to the liquor store.
Step 10 - Return home and carefully place broken down slab into fridge.
Step 11 - Crack three cans at once and place them at strategic places throughout the house.
Step 12 - Develop simultaneous memory and loss of memory skills by losing and finding the above     mentioned cans.
Step 13 - Pass on dinner because self is too wasted to cook.
Step 14 - Justify loss of appetite by considering that your alcoholism is a reward and not a failure.
Step 15 - Turn music up to volume 11 because you are suddenly deaf.
Step 16 - Awake in the early hours of the morning wondering who drank all your beer.
Step 17 - Partake of a nightcap (for medicinal purposes only) and pass out.
Step 18 - Repeat steps 1 to 17.

Good luck.

*Please note that the above mentioned diet is recommended for professional drinkers only. It is not advisable for minors or pregnant women to undertake this program.