Pet Peevs - Part 1.

Today's list of things that peev me off :

1 - "trends are moving forwards".......well, duh, that's what a trend is. It's an increasing occurrence.

2 - "down the track".......how about 'up the track' or 'no track', or how about 'up shit creek in a barb wire canoe'. Maybe, 'in the future' might suffice ?

3 - Why is it that mankind can land 12 people who walked on the moon in 3 years since 1969 and yet I still can't make a reliable mobile phone call between Heallesville and Belgrave, or Croydon and Rosebud. Is technology going backwards ?

4 - The amount of money spent by the US on Iraq / Iran wars since 2001 = One Trillion Dollars = If you spent $1 million a day since Jesus was born, you would have not spent $1 trillion by now. No wonder the world and especially the US is in a financial depression.......and meanwhile there are still starving, uneducated, homeless people the world over !

5 - People suffering the floods in Northern NSW are having to wait eight working days for the Insurance Assessors to attend. What ? are they traveling by friggin' horse ? 8 working days really means a fortnight, what? How come the Stock Exchange operates 7 days a week, isn't that working ? And isn't Sunday a Thursday somewhere else in the world ?

6 - 100 kmh speed signs. That is actually 62 mph old school, not very fast at all. A horse trots at around 9 mph and a person walks at about 3 mph. If speed limits continue to be lowered we might as well all learn to crawl - and get booked for it !

7 - What is the fascination with watching bicycle racing on tv ? Is it for the rippling bodies under shiny lycra or is it for the view of those shiny man-bums. No, it's really for the thrill of waiting for a spill and seeing all that shiny plastic melt into their skin as they hit the bitumen. Silly fuckers. And have they never heard heard of the increased risk of genital cancer and lower sperm counts as a result of a bound and heated up pocket rocket package ?

8 - What are bicyclists doing on roads anyway ? It's only a result of legislation banning them from footpaths because they were a danger to pedestrians. But now they're a friggin' danger to other motorists. And they pay no registration, have their own shiny-bum bike lanes and don't obey the road rules !

9 - "transparency',,,,,actually means that you can see right through it all the way. to the bullshit. So how does that make it any better than real bullshit ?

10 - "yes /no"..........actually techno-speak for "yes I agree with you but I can't wait for you to shut up so that I can have my say".

..............and that's only today !

Dog Tired

“My dog doesn't understand curtains

of which that much he is certain

to do much in a circle

when he beds down

pawing at a circle

when he spreads his friendship around

My dog thinks he is humane

but he will dead a fucked wall

in his name

as a totem is stationary

but not in a context he can right

as long as he has enough support

to carry on through the night.

My dog is an animal

it's a thing of which I have a handle

on a spatula to flip a sample

of a flying duck of how much I care

I wish you had of been there

to say goodbye on a flying fuck.”

-----------------

'I' for indecision.

“My dog doesn't understand curtains

of which that much he is certain

to do much in a circle

when he beds down

pawing at a circle

when he spreads his friendship around

My dog thinks he is humane

but he will dead a fucked wall

in his name

as a totem is stationary

but not in a context he can right

as long as he has enough support

to carry on through the night.

My dog is an animal

it's a thing of which I have a handle

on a spatula to flip a sample

of a flying duck of how much I care

I wish you had of been there

to say goodbye on a flying fuck.”

The MK Beer Diet

Forget the Ahhhhh Bra, forget Bambillo. Hold your chest up high and sleep well at night - welcome into your life the MK BEER DIET.

Step 1 - Wake in the morning with your head feeling like a rock and look in your wallet or purse.
Step 2 - Assume that the amount of cash missing is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed.

Step 3 - Closely inspect car for parking tickets, incurred driving damage and volume of CD player.
Step 4 - Remind self that you will never ever drink like that again.
Step 5 - Remain in bed carefully inspecting the blackspots of the night before.
Step 6 - Decide to have no breakfast due to rolling stomach.
Step 7 - Pass on lunch because your belly has become a muffin top.
Step 8 - At 3 o'clock in the afternoon resolve that you are not an alcoholic and inspect remaining contents of wallet.
Step 9 - Walk dog being careful to avoid a detour to the liquor store.
Step 10 - Return home and carefully place broken down slab into fridge.
Step 11 - Crack three cans at once and place them at strategic places throughout the house.
Step 12 - Develop simultaneous memory and loss of memory skills by losing and finding the above     mentioned cans.
Step 13 - Pass on dinner because self is too wasted to cook.
Step 14 - Justify loss of appetite by considering that your alcoholism is a reward and not a failure.
Step 15 - Turn music up to volume 11 because you are suddenly deaf.
Step 16 - Awake in the early hours of the morning wondering who drank all your beer.
Step 17 - Partake of a nightcap (for medicinal purposes only) and pass out.
Step 18 - Repeat steps 1 to 17.

Good luck.

*Please note that the above mentioned diet is recommended for professional drinkers only. It is not advisable for minors or pregnant women to undertake this program.

Jesuz Street

I can pace my whole loungeroom far and wide

searching for a drink of beer that I misplaced

looking high and look low I cannot find that witch I know.

She is here somewhere I placed

but I cannot find in my emotional disgrace

the street where I left her and my steps I cannot retrace.

I have crawled on the floor following the threads

my heart is displaced from your womb

there is no choice but to follow my soul to its tomb.

Sometimes I wish to make a platter

a spread of all your earthly delights

just something soft and juicy to get me through the night.

A jealous man I may be

but give me your love and open your heart

you may be surprised of how we managed to spend so much time apart.

Do not display your breasts in all their glory

all I want to do is abandon myself to their valley

and fall to my knees in awe of your beauty.

I have a ticket to ride and I have paid the price

for a fare on the road to paradise

yet you tease me and leave me with no choice.

A Natural Born Loser

So, you say

you are a natural born loser

shame on you, as you let your life run away

with all your choices

and yet you chose to be a chooser.


Take away my alternatives and you take away yours

give me the point of a knife

and I will show you too many doors.

scream in pain

as you may be an alliterate pig

pegged on all fours.


You can't help but display

oh my golly someone shoulda' had you splayed.

and yet you flaunt your disgusting for me

let everyone see how not you could be

maybe your mum and dad would be dismayed.


So you say I'm a natural born user

as you, idling by

take the choices in life

as is your easy.

passing from the womb to the grave.


Are you really that sure of all the choices you made

that you chose the best to be on display.

go to your altar and genuflect

reminisce on all the choices you reject

pass over all your rights and

piss on everything within your sight.


Do you wanna' be a dog, be a slave

pack your belongings in disarray

we're leaving today on the first train that may

take a long journey past all that you delayed.

on a fast track to nowhere.

Strange

Isn't it strange how you pay so much to get your head in place

and yet you end up back in the same place

with a headache and an empty wallet.


I wished you had of placed me in a place

 where I was your king instead of being your slave.


Oh would give anything to be a bird, but I can't help but feel

 that you clip my wings - what is this love that makes me feel so many things?


No, but I am too attentive to my mood too keep my head focused on my attitude.

I am no longer playing with whatever it takes, my heart is sorely punctured by your stakes.